1-14-04. -Cooking again again, buisy, with job

Update - just journal

Journal - The days in which I am cooking I find myself writing in my journal most often

Feeling suprizingly emotional today... I have been without internet hookup for the last few days so I am wondering if any of my friends are upset about not getting a reply for their e-mail. My friends from tokyo are always fast to reply and I feel bad sometimes for giving a slow reply.

Anyway.. I was looking at all my artworks and trying to decide what ones to put an a portfolio I will be showing on friday, and I looked at "Mysterions" for the first time in a long time.. It has been maybe for or 5 years since I wrote that. And... It was so emotionally interesting and suprizing to me how things have happened are are happening to me in my life. But I suppose it is the story of all our lives. Our never ending, forever renewing journey out of darkness into light. Taking ones self out of pain and bitterness, and realizing, recognizing and partaking of the real love that is all around us. The journey of our lives. Of course, Storung representing one's self. In the book Storung finds a destination... Of course that's the big question, is there a big destionation. What is that destination? But I think we also have a thousand of those moments along the way.. I don't think that our journey ever comes to a real stop or end...

But I was thinking about that, and my life... I am very happy. But just looking out opun my life. Looking at a record I made of myself years ago, like seeing the seeds of what I am now. It's comforting to recognise myself. It's..... I guess most of all it's hard to explain.

I found work now. Working through a temp agency. I am working at a warehouse. Everyone is very nice. I have a computer strapped to my arm and a lazer strapped to my finger. There is bottles of different herbal suppliments, vitamins, jars of remedies, and health foods. I put them into the boxes. I'm running around alot. The excersize is light but constant. I like that. I try hard to do my job well. I think that maybe if I work hard then it will help them from having to work a sunday and miss church.

I am having some of my friends teach me spanish, but I don't have the same success like with japanese. I also want to learn a few more words in tagalog. I have a phillipene friend. She's so nice and grateful for every little thing. She married an american man and moved here recently. I always felt bad for her because when they heard her accent they thought she couldn't speak english so well, so they giver her the less nice jobs. But she never complains, and she is always cheerful and smiling. She's just happy and grateful to have a job so soon. I admire her as I see her picking up the boxes there. There is a great long conveyer belt between us as work and I feel like I am looking at a friend there on on the other side. Even though we are only 4 feet away the conveyer is so long it would take several minutes to reach her. So it feels like a different world.

Sometimes the everyday worlds feels like poetry around me. I saw a terrible motorcrash the other day on my way to this job. I later found out that there were 5 cars involved and that 3 of them had rolled. I remember road flares and ambulence and police. The road goes down just to the emergency lane and slows. I look through my window, it's 6:40 AM. it's cold, and I see the feet of someone on a strecher, with the white sheet on top. I felt bad for her, or him. They must be so cold out there. Did they die. I could feel so many tears about to fall. While driving my car, I said a prayer in my heart for them. I imagined all the love resting opun them. The people in the crash, the people who loved them, the firemen and doctors to take them away in an amblubence. But nevertheless, I knew in my heard that everything is OK. Even if someone maybe died. They'll be Ok. Even if someone loved them is crying. They're Ok.

As I was falling asleep an image came into my mind. It was the scene of the accident. Like the tape of my memory was on replay, but this time there was something I hadn't noticed before. There were angels all around, they were whispering a comforting word in the ears of an emergency worker. They are stroking the bleeding head of the man on the stretcher, the person who I only saw his feet. They are holding someone's hand. I felt alot of love.

So that is the journey that I have been treading for the last little while . My little walk through life.

I'm happy.

1-03-04. -Cooking again, buisy, remodeling, jobless, japanese friends.

Update - just journal

Journal - Guilt for lack of web updating..

I have been flooded with an infflux of various things happening. Getting sick, getting better, getting sick again,getting better again, having no money, finding no job etc...

It's been an interesting, yet somewhat all consuming journey as I have been sorting out the life that I came back to when I returned home, it's like I am going through all the little physical pieces, knick nacks of my habits and collections of memories and fragments of my personality and i am sorting them into "keep" "throw out" and "give away to charity" buckets. Much like someone preparing for a garage sale. And not just emotionally but I have been sorting through my things as well.

I have been given the adjacent room to use as a studio which I am very fortunate of. I had my father help me knock out the wall imbtween and now Just the closet remains. I am trying to remodel, and move furniture around and make it a good space. It's kind of a funny feeling. I keep thinking the 5 gay guys are gonna come bursting in and say "I can't believe this crap" or that some fung shuei goddes is gonna come in and condem the place.. It's alot of fun and the space is much needed. I am excited for having it all set up and ready to go.

I want to go into college in the fall but I am still having no job. Starting on monday I am going to have to start researching for grants and things. I also need to start investigating on which kind of classes I can take... decisions...

but I have no job yet. And no money. Which poses some difficulties, but I think I can figure it out. I have always learned that I have to go out with things. And When it comes down to it I really am quite spoiled. I should be grateful.

In the last two weeks I was totally buisy, but having lots of fun, 3 of my friends from Tokyo came and visited over. It was a lot of fun, a little more shopping than what I had bargained for, but I was able to find a pair of pants for 6 dollars... Actually one of them I had only met once before but now we've become good friends. :)

The one that I had only met once before helped me with this art project I was working on, in which we made a digital college out of a circut diagram and some photos and then we printed the image huge over 10 pieces of special transfer paper and cut it out and transfered the image onto my closet door wich I had painted for the occasion. It was a difficult process, so I was grateful for the help, and I think it was a success! :)